don’t look up, just let them think there’s no place else you’d rather be.
it’s obvious that you’re dying,
dying.
just living proof
that the camera’s lying.
and oh, oh, open wide.
this is your night,
so smile.
’cause you’ll go out in style.
“don’t you know by now: you can’t turn back, because this road is all you’ll ever have.” — Fences by Paramore.
There are things in my life that have needed to be changed. Things that, honestly, I have been avoiding simply because I didn’t want to compromise other parts of my life by putting them up for scrutiny.
I didn’t want to offend anyone, and now, I’ve come to the conclusion that it would be in my best interest to simply stop (completely this time) pleasing the people around me with what they want to hear. Pretending I am what they want me to be is just a disservice to both them and me. (Yes, that rhymed.)
—
There is a confession I must make.
I have not necessarily been the best friend I should have been.
To a number of people.
I will not go into detail. That’s between me, and well… me.
So, I must apologize to you, big group of nameless people.
But don’t worry.
The problem is fixing itself.
I’m just sorry you haven’t done your best either.
It’ll come back to bite you in the end; count on it.
—
No really, I am much too bitter at the moment to be writing a blog. (No, I will not talk about it. Don’t even mention it; for it concerns you not.) But here I find myself, writing a blog. -audible sigh-
Sometimes.. sometimes we make decisions. We make them because we think they’ll benefit us, seeing as what we’re deciding on won’t really affect anything. Or so we think.
Because sometimes.. sometimes it blows up in our faces, weeks later.
I made a mistake. Now I’ll suffer for it.
But that doesn’t change a thing.
I’ve still got plans. Just wait and see, okay?
At least I’ve got something resembling plans.
—
NO!
I’m going to stop avoiding the topic!
This goes out to all of you, every last person who reads this AND considers me their friend.
I am sick and fucking tired of this.
Have I fallen off the planet to you? Have I just been wiped from existence? As far as I know, I’m still alive and kicking. My pulse is still goin’ at it.
Have I offended all of you in one swift motion? Am I really this repugnant?
I don’t demand attention. I attempt to get it, and often fail.
Maybe that’s my downfall. Maybe I’m not pushy enough
But that should not be a bad point on me.
Not when I’ve done my part.
All in all?
I am sick and tired of being the one who’s trying to fight for your attention and affection.
Don’t feed me the “ But I love you” bullshit. Don’t try to give me your excuses.
I have been here the entire time.
Keep your friends. If there’s no room for me, then there’s no room for me.
Don’t save me a spot I don’t fit into, and don’t try to convince yourself (or me) that you’ve all been “too” busy.
If you’re too busy to me on your own, without my instigation of a conversation, believe me, it isn’t worth it in the first place.
I am just so tired of these one-sided, “use me when you need me,” bullshit faux friendships.
Honestly. Just stop all contact with me. You’ll get over it, and I’ll just have to replace you.
That’s the cold hard truth, dear.
Go ahead and tell me to value the friendships I have.
I can go back to being a loner. Solitude can be just as much a bliss as your ignorance.
—
That’s all for this entry.
I am so in a rift with everyone, I cannot even form paragraphs.
Private entry, here I come.
– matthew.